Approach your inner critic with love and kindness
Hello and welcome to today’s Elevate Your Curiosity podcast all about how to approach your inner critic with love and kindness. You can listen on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, below or read the show notes.
To start with I wanted to talk about what even is the inner critic? It’s a word I use a lot, and want to talk about a lot with you. It’s a word I’ve only really started to understand and become aware of in the past three years.
So the inner critic (or saboteur, chimp, your dark side – all other words for it) is that voice inside of your head that can be pretty mean to you. It can say things like:
- You can’t do that
- They don’t like you
- You could try but it’ll probably be quite hard
- You just made yourself look really stupid
- Are you sure – what if it doesn’t work out?
Does any of these internal thoughts ring a bell of recognition with you? I know it does with me, more often than I’d like to be perfectly honest with you. But I wanted to let you know that if a voice like this inside of your head is saying things that are hurtful, shaming, causing anxiety or fear when it’s not warranted. That these thoughts are your inner critic and it’s not the real authentic you talking.
So the inner critic is a bit of an arse really and I hope you’ll agree with that statement. It thinks it’s being helpful, but really it can hold you back in many different ways. And from my understanding, the inner critic is quite a primal instinct that kicks in before the authentic you can think and step in. Take the fight or flight principle. The inner critic is the first instinct in you to kick in and react. So this worked very well in caveman times when approached by a bear we had to react. However now we live in a very different society where that “fear” can be an angry customer, someone saying something offhand to you or not getting your design right the first time. That inner critic can jump in first in these circumstances for some people before you can rationally think about it.
The inner critic is different for everyone and I’m not going to sit here and think for one moment I‘m going to understand or being able to fix yours. I wish I could but I’m not a trained therapist! And for me this is more about shedding light on the issue, opening up the conversation about wellness and mental health. Plus sharing my experiences and maybe some small tips that could help you as well. As these inner critic feelings of not feeling good enough really masks our real feelings and that’s what we want to shine through at the end of the day.
Ways to work alongside the inner critic
So I was going to name this episode how to deal with your inner critic however that just sounded too harsh and to be honest not very possible. Also, I believe you’ve got to approach it with love and kindness. It is there for a reason, just sometimes it got a bit skewed and comes out on the wrong occasions.
Something I find that works for me and I would definitely recommend you try is to talk out loud. Stay with me, I’m not turning crazy! But talking aloud really helps to get your thoughts outside of your head and out instead of them continuously going round and round. Have you ever been there when your mind is racing? You can’t slow it down, your thoughts are jumping from one thing to another and not in a good way. This is when I find talking out loud gets all of those thoughts and feelings out of your mind so you can start to make sense & break them down. As when you say them aloud you may start thinking differently about certain aspects of your thoughts.
But if talking out loud is not for you and makes you feel really uncomfortable then you don’t have to do it. But I would suggest doing the same exercise but writing everything down instead. Try writing continuously, don’t edit yourself or think about what you’re writing. Just write one, two or three pages to get your thoughts and feelings down without judgement so they’re out of your mind. A lot of people call this journaling and it’s pretty popular right now and for a good reason. Try it and see how you feel.
So remember how I said that you had to be kind to the inner critic? If you’re going to shout it down, tell it to leave you alone or that it’s stupid. It’s just going to shout louder which you don’t want. Instead, if you can listen close enough and realise when it’s there (and this can be hard as sometimes you don’t realise it’s talking and not you). Then say something like – ‘Ok I see you there but I feel I am capable and I’m going to try it this way’.
It might be worth naming your inner critic as well so you know when it’s there and you put a face or personality behind it.
Meditation is also a good practice to help with the inner critic but also lift up your spirits and give you space to just be. I find guided meditations on YouTube are my fave and are particularly good if you’re just starting out. Or set a timer and focus on your breath. Just try and slow down your mind as thoughts will come in and out but try not to engage with them.
I love meditation but can find it hard to switch off my mind. And you’re not doing it wrong if you can’t switch off. I find this really hard but having the presence of knowing your mind has wandered and bringing it back is a great practice. It’s different for everyone so see what works for you. This podcast by Melyssa Griffin on the Pursuit with Purpose podcast is definitely worth a listen if you want to find out more.
Books & resources
I wanted to share some books on this subject that I would totally recommend. The first is The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer. I’ve read this twice and now and it was the turning point for me in identifying that inner voice & developing a different way of thinking. It’s a real-life story about Michael’s life but it’s so incredible what he achieves by not listening to that voice. I just love it and have bought it for friends as I believe in the message so much.
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is also fantastic. I love how she breaks down creativity and ideas in such different ways. She also has a passage about fear coming along for the road trip. But how it has to sit in the back, and that it can’t navigate or change the radio. Which is such a great metaphor for not only fear but also the inner critic.
And lastly, I’ve recently listened to the Oprah Super Soul Sunday podcast with Jack Kornfield about Buddhism 101. It’s such a beautiful conversation that really made me stop and listen to every word that was discussed. I really identify with the principles of Buddhism and it’s something I’d like to investigate further. Also, I learnt that Buddhism is a religion, but it also isn’t as you can just follow the principles. But listen to the podcast for a better explanation!
So as with everything, this is a learning curve and I definitely don’t have everything aligned. But as humans, we have to remember we are human and are imperfect, or perfectly imperfect if you like. But these are some of the principals I try and use daily to be kinder to myself and move past that negative voice.
So, I would love to hear from you – does any of this resonate? Do you have any tips or what you do to listen to the authentic you? Please do carry on the conversation below, by emailing me or on Instagram as I’d love to chat with you further.
Until next time be kind to you and I’ll speak to you soon.
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